i remember the first time that it occurred to me that maybe reality is futile.

i had felt this at a very young age, but was unable to put it into words until i was ten.

i'll always remember going to wal-mart on this one day. i've never liked going into wal-marts; i'm very, very proud, and the store has always seemed low and somewhat pathetic to me. (my parents refuse to accept responsibility for this strange arrogance, and i know it's something i was not taught.) however i went in with my dad one day and wandered through the aisles, a little disdainfully, while waiting for him to pick up the batteries or whatever need had brought us there.

i passed the shoe department, and i will never forget the large woman dressed in unflattering and dissheveled clothing, with make up slathered over her aging face, talking angrily to her husband (who was similar in appearance) and dangling a pair of wal-mart flip flops from one hand.

(let me pause here to state that i am not prejudiced nor as proud as this makes me sound. although i was a very haughty 10-year-old, i did not feel that i was better than her. i pitied her, but felt that she was in the same boat as i, only passing through a short time of frail humanity; rather, i marvelled at the difference between her life and mine, almost as an indifferent bystander to both of us. obviously i have matured a bit since i was 10-years-old, and would not now remember her in such harsh light.)

the frustrated words she uttered inexplicably had a very profound impact upon me. in a southern drawl and imperfect english, she seethed about the flip-flops she held in her hand, which could not have been priced at over three dollars. and she said, "it's ridiculous how much they want for these new designer-brand shoes."

for some reason that simple statement seemed to hold the secrets of the true condition of our world. i marvelled at the triviality of everything, and at the realization that all we can ever know is perspective. it affected me so deeply that i walked away from the scene in tears; and i said to myself, over and over, "how vain it all is...how vain..."